This Is Me: Forgiveness

Probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life is forgive the Z-man and forgive myself for what happened at the beginning of our marriage. It was not smooth sailing. We both came into the relationship with issues, hot-buttons, and high expectations. Unfortunately, they all happened to line up quite nicely, and within a few months, we were having serious difficulties.

After a few months with a not-so-effective therapist, I decided to leave him. It was the hardest and most heart-wrenching decision of my life. But we were both hurting each other non-stop, and it couldn't go on. Through the next 2-3 years, we both worked very hard to re-establish our relationship, fix our own issues, and gain the skills and tools we needed to make our marriage a good one. And I think we succeeded beyond my wildest dreams.


How could I not love this man, after all.

But one of the hardest parts of this whole journey was forgiving him for things he had done and said to hurt me. Sometimes he meant to (he was hurting too after all), but most often he had no idea how hurt I was. I was not good at telling him in a way he could understand.

It took a lot of prayer, a lot of tears, a lot of talking, and a lot of time before I was able to let go of everything. But oh, so worth it.


He is my world, my everything, my best friend, my lover, my heart and soul.

I also had a lot to forgive myself for. Namely, not being the perfect wife I always hoped to be. For being human, making mistakes, and not knowing all the answers right away.


I certainly wasn't perfect, and I needed to change my behavior in a lot of ways. We're still working on a lot. Who isn't, after all.

There are also times when something from that time comes back to haunt me. I will remember something the Z-man said or did, and it starts to hurt all over again. But I find that every time I let it go, it's easier than the time before. Because I can't erase those years from my memory (nor would I really want to), I will always have hard memories pop up from time to time. And I'm still not perfect. Sometimes I stew over them for a day or two.

But then I look at these pictures, I see something he as done for me, I see our beautiful children, I remember the countless times he has proven his love for me, and I can let it go. I don't have to hold onto the bad, and I can still cherish the good.

Without him by my side, I wouldn't be half the woman I am today. Nor would I stand a chance of someday being the woman I want to be. I can't wait to see how high we can help each other climb.

Projects: How Do They Do It?

I have to confess--I was hoping to post last night about a finished project or an organizing effort I had made this last week. But the sad truth is that I didn't finish much. Not much that stayed finished, anyway. I usually try to do something, no matter how small, that stays done. That way, I can point to it the next day and say, "I did that." But between finally recovering from lots of illness (the whole family), and trying to stay on top of keeping the house reasonable, I haven't spared the time to work on any projects.

There are a lot of blogs/websites that I love to visit where people post pictures nearly every day of things they've done or are working on. And I have to wonder, HOW!?!? How in the world do they find time to do so much and not drop dead of exhaustion?

I have been spending a lot of time planning out things to come: Halloween costumes, Christmas gifts, a whole house makeover for next year. I guess that has been my project this week. Unfortunately, that doesn't lend itself very well to pictures. And you really, REALLY don't want to see any pictures of my house yet. Trust me on this one, it looks awful tonight.

Maybe next week I'll have more progress to report. If nothing else, maybe my dishes will be done BEFORE I pass out for the night. I can always hope. . .

Family Update, Again

The past week or two has been really busy. Which, of course, means that I'm behind on gathering and loading pictures. So, pictures will be coming later.

Lately we've been:

• Celebrating Munchkin's birthday with pizza, frozen yogurt, a 3D movie for the whole family, and dinner at Grandma and Grandpa's house. Because of schedules and sickness, the celebrations were strung out over nearly a week. Lucky Munchkin.


• Stake Volleyball has started, and I am reminded yet again how much I hate the Z-man's schedule. Finding a babysitter every single time I want to do something on a weeknight really stinks.


• Zippy is devouring every single book he can get his hands on. I just bought 5 more for him and I think there might be 1 he hasn't finished in the past 3 days. Yeah!!!


• Little Man now tells me when his diaper is messy. Kinda gross, but other mothers will understand why that's exciting. Potty training and an end to diapers is on the horizon.


• The Z-man is working a mandatory 6-day work week until further notice. Gah. As if we didn't struggle to spend time together already. Hopefully, it will only last a few weeks. Work hard and catch up on the trucks guys!!!!


• I sang with the choir at the Relief Society General Broadcast. It was AMAZING!! I'm glad to have my Sunday evenings back, but I miss singing. I've already threatened to drop in on my sister's choirs when she's back to teaching school. "Don't mind me. . .I'm just going to join your sopranos for a few minutes."


• General Conference (the few parts I actually heard) was wonderful. I can't wait for the November Ensign to arrive so I can actually take in everything they said.


• I've been playing way too much on Pinterest. I keep promising the Z-man this will be the end of my obsession with magazines and tear files. I think he's a little excited about that.


• Zippy and the Z-man survived a BAD case of stomach flu. The rest of us escaped relatively unscathed. Thank goodness. Never want to do that again. It's rare for the Z-man to be that sick, and NO ONE enjoys it.

I'm sure there's more but I don't remember it right now. Mommy brain, you know. Plus, posts without pictures aren't nearly so exciting. Hopefully, pictures to come soon.