This Is Me: Forgiveness

Probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life is forgive the Z-man and forgive myself for what happened at the beginning of our marriage. It was not smooth sailing. We both came into the relationship with issues, hot-buttons, and high expectations. Unfortunately, they all happened to line up quite nicely, and within a few months, we were having serious difficulties.

After a few months with a not-so-effective therapist, I decided to leave him. It was the hardest and most heart-wrenching decision of my life. But we were both hurting each other non-stop, and it couldn't go on. Through the next 2-3 years, we both worked very hard to re-establish our relationship, fix our own issues, and gain the skills and tools we needed to make our marriage a good one. And I think we succeeded beyond my wildest dreams.


How could I not love this man, after all.

But one of the hardest parts of this whole journey was forgiving him for things he had done and said to hurt me. Sometimes he meant to (he was hurting too after all), but most often he had no idea how hurt I was. I was not good at telling him in a way he could understand.

It took a lot of prayer, a lot of tears, a lot of talking, and a lot of time before I was able to let go of everything. But oh, so worth it.


He is my world, my everything, my best friend, my lover, my heart and soul.

I also had a lot to forgive myself for. Namely, not being the perfect wife I always hoped to be. For being human, making mistakes, and not knowing all the answers right away.


I certainly wasn't perfect, and I needed to change my behavior in a lot of ways. We're still working on a lot. Who isn't, after all.

There are also times when something from that time comes back to haunt me. I will remember something the Z-man said or did, and it starts to hurt all over again. But I find that every time I let it go, it's easier than the time before. Because I can't erase those years from my memory (nor would I really want to), I will always have hard memories pop up from time to time. And I'm still not perfect. Sometimes I stew over them for a day or two.

But then I look at these pictures, I see something he as done for me, I see our beautiful children, I remember the countless times he has proven his love for me, and I can let it go. I don't have to hold onto the bad, and I can still cherish the good.

Without him by my side, I wouldn't be half the woman I am today. Nor would I stand a chance of someday being the woman I want to be. I can't wait to see how high we can help each other climb.